Opening
Before you gave your speech, you told me that you are practicing this speech in an attempt to make it worthy of winning the international speech contest. With that in mind, I should focus on points that I feel you could have improved further to make this a winning speech.
After listening to your speech for the 3rd time, I felt that you have improved leaps and bounds compared to the first time you presented this speech. It was especially obvious that improvements had taken place in these 3 areas which I would like to simply call G.S.C.
Speaker's Strengths
The first thing you did well was G for Gestures. During your speech, your hand gestures complemented the story that was being told. An example was when you told us about the man who paid the train ticket for you in the ticket machine, your hands acted out the process of putting money into the machine which made me feel like I was there watching the transaction happen. That was a wonderful use of body gestures.
The second thing you have done well during your speech was S for speech structure. There was a clear opening when you spoke about what a horrible experience when you arrived in a foreign land, followed by an interesting story in the body of your speech as you encountered kind souls that helped you along the way. Finally, you wrapped up your speech by bringing us back to the question that you posed in the start of the speech which is to choose happiness or kindness. I felt the structure was well thought through and would like to compliment you for a job well done.
The third thing that you have excelled in your speech is C for captivating us with sounds effects. This is a clear distinctive as compared to the first time you delivered this speech because you added sound effects that made me feel like I was there with you in your journey in a foreign land. One great use of sound effect was when you described the shutters opening after a long night’s wait, you did a “chuk chuk chuk” sound effect as your hands pulled the shutters up. It truly brought the story to life.
Points of Improvement
Even the greatest speeches in the world have a little room to improve, nothing is truly perfect. And so, I would like to offer some personal advice that I think could bring your story to the next level, and one day become the speech that wins the internal speech contest. I’ll also use the acronyms G.S.C as I provide the points where you could look into as you strengthen your speech.
The first point that I would like to suggest is G which is to exaggerate.your gestures. As new speakers, we tend to compensate our speeches using gestures. However, as we become more proficient speakers, some of us tend to lose the passion for incorporating gestures, especially exaggerated ones to enhance our story. I feel stories should be entertaining, it should transport our audience into the universe of our story, and I believe exaggerating our gestures is one way to do so.
There are points in your story when you spoke about the million and one things that you have to do just to get from one point to another. I would suggest to incorporate more gestures to bring the story to life, let us know how overwhelmed you are by swinging your hands wide open, or how frustrated you are by clasping your hands into a fist and pulling the audience towards you. With that, I believe you could make the story even more exciting as we follow you in a wave of emotional roller coaster.
The second point is S for sound of your story. Every great story has a sound that makes you think back to it. For example, hearing the sound “Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum” takes us back to the story of Jack and the Beanstalk. To truly tell a story that stands out, I would recommend for you to find the sound that brings your story to life. One simple way you could do so is by identifying repeating points in your story, and incorporating a unique sound to it. For example, you have 2 instances where you mentioned heartbeats, in this case you could make “da dup da dup da dup” as the sound of your story. This way, anytime we make that sound, people instantly remember your story.
The final point is C for closing it simply. This is a personal preference of mine, I love to close a story with a short but impactful statement that audiences can remember and know exactly what you want them to do when they leave the hall. I believe that the purpose of your speech is to inspire the audience to practice kindness in their daily lives. If I were to do your speech, personally I would end it along these lines “That one word of kindness made my world go round. Ladies & gentlemen, let us practice kindness. Who knows? Your simple act of kindness could change that person’s life forever.”
Conclusion
All in your, your story was a captivating one indeed. Your strengths were G-gestures, S-speech structure & C-captivating sound effects. To bring your speech to the next level, I would recommend G-exaggerating your gestures, S-find the sound of your story & C-close it simply. WIth that, I wish you all the best in making this your contest winning speech.